Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
You Might Also Like
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Livid.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
i spent way too long on this
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean