I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.