Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]