I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Pat is about to own someone
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Most fashion shows these days…
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
thanksgiving should be called feaster
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?