“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Wake me when AI does housework
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I’M CRYINGGG
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.