Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
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ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
this post was so formative to me
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no