doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
You Might Also Like
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
“Huge”.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”