Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.