[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
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I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work