me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝