Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”