If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
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“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”