You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.