Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
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Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul