If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it