My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
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So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My wedding will be open casket.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.