Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
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“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
oh my gosh!!
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Have a lovely day 😊
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.