get you a girl who
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I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
#parenting
Shark week, but for squirrels.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.