Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
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I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Stop sending me this shit.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.