My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
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[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.