I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
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What?!?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
this chia pet tastes awful
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.