If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
It do be feeling this way.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
#Caturday
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”