I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
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My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.