Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
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I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”