Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh