Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
OKAY DAD
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Me too door. Me too.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”