[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
#MeanwhileInCanada
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
This is a bad sign
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.