I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
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Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic