My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
You Might Also Like
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
marvel comics have peaked
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!