I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
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THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.