I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
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fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend