ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
You Might Also Like
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
The Wolf of Wall Street.
i hate you platonically
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?