My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Brands during Pride
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.