Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
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I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
my professor scared me for a second
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.