[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
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“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I support this random dude and all his protests