Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
me doing my best
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”