Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
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I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.