Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.