Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
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Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.