Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
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I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.