Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
what’s the point then??
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Any refunds available?…
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.