Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
twitter is a journey
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
“I wouldn’t.”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
What is going on? 😅
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.