If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
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Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”