I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together