I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
dogs can find happiness so easily
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI