My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂