Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Oh no
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now