If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
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What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.