*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.