*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
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Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
me logging onto twitter
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.